Wednesday, August 5, 2015

August 2015 Lessons and Plans

I'm in the wilderness. I'm at a point in my life where I'm questioning my direction. While it's so very confusing and frustrating, I think it's a good thing. It prompts recalibration. And while I still find myself downcast on some gloomy days, I have resolved to decide to choose cheer each day. It's time to recalibrate. And here are the things I need to consider.

I find myself questioning what I do. Business hasn't been good lately. And while I know it's just a season and I just need to wait it out, I still find myself questioning if I should be doing what I'm doing. What significance does it have on the world? Why does it feel like merely a thing I do in the now to survive? Why does it feel like a band aid on a fracture? If I die today and find myself before my Creator, what have I got to show for myself? I don't think He'll be pleased with my accolades and accomplishments. If He asked me if I loved the people around me, all I could say is "I didn't hurt them."  Sometimes, I even did. I believe I have the capacity to love. But most of the time I don't exercise it. At the end of the ages, can I actually say I did the work prepared for me? And if I know that God tests your heart and your obedience to love, why do I still insist on making work my priority?

I guess because it's comfortable. Because work can be impersonal and measurable. Relationships are complicated. Denying one's self is hard. It's easier to run away and keep away from your sister when she starts putting you down instead of letting the offense slide and realizing that her putting you down indicates that she's not feeling very loved at the moment. And instead of running away, what she needs is for you to just be accessible and tell her there will be better days, and here, have a photo of panda macarons to cheer you up! But it's hard when her words imply that you're fat and old, single and desperate. And half of the time, you believe her.

I prayed to God. I asked Him what He wanted me to do, where He wanted me to go. I valued work, but every time I asked, He didn't usually reply with anything work-related. Be still, He said, and know that I am God. Praise the Lord, He said, and rejoice evermore! Be grateful. Be faithful in the little things. And love. Love. Love.

Should I continue my business, Lord, or should I consider working? Rejoice! Lord, You're not listening. What do I do with my work? Praise the Lord! And I bidded for projects, and I got very few. I applied for work, and nobody called me back. I'm in a drought, and all I got was, "Love. Love. Love." So I have a feeling I need to stop panicking and be still at the moment, and wait for the Lord to show me His power, to show me how He is God. To let go of the worry. To be faithful in the little things I find I need to do, but to stop fretting about money. Instead, I think it's a season to focus on Him, to properly do my quiet time in the morning, to sing Him praises, to write Him love letters. To stop and consider the gravity of His sacrifice to save us. To really just look upon His face and know that all these pursuits are meaningless without love, without God.

And love. Love the people around me. Be cheerful regardless of the amount of money in my wallet. Smile. Laugh. Be joyful. Be happy. Praise. And love some more.

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