Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Cute Guys and Stories

In a few weeks, it'll be my birthday once again. And my dear business partner seems to be bent on "helping" me progress in the area of my love life. I love the man, and I appreciate his efforts. But no matter what I do, his method just doesn't work for me.

Whenever we went to an event or met up with someone, a male someone, he'd often ask me if I thought that guy was cute. Oftentimes, I don't know if they're cute. I didn't think they were ugly. I thought they looked alright. But it really didn't matter to me if they looked cute or not because almost always, I'm not interested. My partner keeps asking me just so my mind is alerted to look at people as men and not as their company logos. Recently, I've forced myself to look and just classify some people as cute just so I don't keep saying "I don't know" to my partner, or keep telling him I'm not interested. I didn't want him to feel that his efforts weren't appreciated.

But the truth was, even though they looked alright to me, I just wasn't interested in anyone. I do want to find a man to call my own. I do want to eventually marry and have my own kids (and they will be geniuses!). But my heart is uncooperative! It just doesn't beat so easily. There are really good men I've met recently, but I just couldn't get myself to get excited over their text messages or requests for coffee. I have had crushes before. But I wasn't attracted to any one particular type. I've been attracted to a not very excitable cute guy with nice shoulders. But I've also been attracted to a plump but very expressive guy. I've been attracted to someone I thought was a gentleman. But I've also been attracted to a self-made but broken man. I couldn't pinpoint what quality I found attractive. And so I took the time and examined myself, and I realized the thing that attracted me to the guys I liked in the past were the stories I associated to them.

I liked my Japanese teacher because he called me Ria-chan when he was supposed to be calling me Lu-san. I liked that expressive guy because he was most alive at a time when I felt most dead. I liked this other guy because he came back when he said he would, when normally people don't come back in those circumstances. I liked another guy because what were the chances we knew each other already when his sibling, who was actually married to one of my relatives, was trying to get us to meet. I liked that other guy because when he crossed the street with me, he'd walk on the more dangerous side when all our other peers didn't even wait for me because if I could run a company, I could very well cross the street by myself.

I liked all of them for the stories.

This realization troubled me. Did I not really look at the people and just looked at the stories? I think I still looked at them. But the story has to happen first before what seemed like another pair of my eyes that normally remained closed opened, and I'd see the guys in an open way that allowed them to become attractive. This was troubling indeed. Because while that meant it was difficult for me to get attracted to people even though they had very good qualities, that also meant I could fall in love with people who didn't have very good qualities as long as they made good stories.

I fussed over this for a time, until a friend of mine told me this: if God made you that way, who's to say that's not how He wants you to fall in love? She had a point. I believe in God and his sovereignty. So, if God made me this way, who was to say this wasn't how it was supposed to be. And since I am His, if it's a wrong way of thinking, He'll correct it.

So, I'm not going to fuss. I'll look at guys, as my partner wants, and look at the cute guys while not stressing over finding them attractive or not. I won't fuss over finding a guy. I'll let my crushes hold my hand, enjoy the moment and not worry too much. I'll do my best to look at people, but not stress about finding someone attractive, or being attractive to someone. I'll just go do what I do, enjoy the journey, and if a story comes out, wonderful.

So, here's to another twelve months of adventure and changing the world until the next checkpoint! May the coming year be exciting in a good way.

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